Amuse Me Please!

[HighCap56]

I'm sure a lot of you have seen many of these. Some were new to me, some not; but always good for a smile anyway.

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
--Author Unknown

3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey

4) The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it....at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown (presumed deceased)

6) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry

7) Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger

8) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
--Paula Poundstone

9) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien


10) I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
--Richard Jeni

11) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
--Johnny Carson

12) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde

13) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain

14) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
--Robin Williams

15) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
--Roseanne

16) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal

17) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
--Dave Barry

So... how about it? Got something funny?

Amuse me please!

[shaggy]

Baltimore's offense, one should find amusing, if one can find it.

[Cdog]

or the Dallas defense..... :(

[Orest]

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY...... Check it out these actual cases:

1) Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast,some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control he fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

2) A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife was nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped. They dropped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
____________________________________________

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

3) The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________

Still think you are having a bad day?

4) A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his walkman.

What a great excuse this would be if you really wanted to get rid of some built up tension towards your partner! (Hee-Hee)
_______________________________________________

STILL think you! 're having a bad day?

5) Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
___________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day?

6) Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

[Orest]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.

After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Really? After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[HighCap56]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started to become a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Tide with bleach alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday and told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. It was quite a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Signed,
A Relieved Menopausal Wife

[Orest]

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said, '@#@# the Rabbi.'"

[Fatback]

:) :) :rolleyes: :D :D :D :eek: :D :)

[HighCap56]

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Saturday and Sunday = fishing or sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. That is the way God intended it. Let it be!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is considered blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache or exhaustion that lasts for 7 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like default settings on your computer. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, we will be scratching it. Immediately! That is what men do.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but, it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to be somewhere on-time, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as basketball, the shotgun formation, shock leaders, or beach structure.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[JIGMAKER]

This is a real police story.

I was called to the corner of Benning road and East Capital Street for a one auto accident.

In the middle of the median of East Capital Street there is a car crashed up against a tree.

I walked up up to the driver side of the car. The driver opens the door and a piece of fried chicken breast falls to the ground.

I ask what happened.

He looks at me with a dumb founded look and says " I was eattin' a piece of chicken and the next thing I knew I crashed."

Come to find out from the passenger that the driver choked and blacked on the chicken he was eating.

The only thing that saved this guys life was the force of him crashing into a tree to get the piece of chicken out of his wind pipe.

The moral of the story?
Don't eat and drive, but if you do make sure there is a tree in the median.

[Fatback]

The year 1864. Gen Sherman was finishing up the burning down of Atlanta. As he was leaving he noticed a lone rebel soldier up on top Stone Mountain. The rebel was cussing the Yankees something fierce. Calling them all kinds of bad names. Well Gen Sherman could not have that going on, so he said "send 10 of our finest troops up their and get that rebel down". An hour pasted, then two, and Gen Sherman was getting worried. So he said "send a hundred of our best troops up there to find our men and get that rebel down from there, he is making us look bad!" Well, an hour pasted then two and again Gen Sherman was getting worried. Then all of the sudden one of his men came crawling up, bleeding from every pour of his body. Just before he took his final breath he said "Gen Sherman its a trick, there two of them up there" :eek:

[HighCap56]

My friend from Siberia just returned from Southern China (Southwestern Mongolia - Urumchi to be precise)

She was served this for dinner one night....

http://www.quickhelp.com/images/whatisit.jpg

I told her it looked like someone had a rough nite and couldn't find the porcelain bus.

She thinks it might be a Sea Cucumber.

Any speculation as to it's identity?

[Wilber]

My favorite joke of all time.

An old man and an old lady are talking in a nursing home one day,

The Old man says, "Guess how old I am"

The Old lady Says, "OK, unzip your fly"

The Old man does.

The Old lady reachs in and feels around a while and says, "You're 86"

The Old man says, "Tha's amazing, how did you know that"

The Old lady says, "You told me yesterday"

[Orest]

A husband is watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light now?
Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead?

Fine, then the wife asks,"Well then, could you fix
the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied,"Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on
my forehead? "Fine", she says, "Then you could at least
fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." he says,
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?

I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!"
so he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides
to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already
fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he
goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey", he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"

she said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a
nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do
was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
the husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
and the wife replied, "Hellooooo.... .... .

Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?

[Orest]

1. Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."


2. One morning, a grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old
grandson. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in
her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV- "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in, or stay out."


4. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

5. Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Johnny. "Giving up?"

[Orest]

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?


All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home
when the kids got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned,
oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air?
And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses,
dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed . . . and they did?

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...
to cruise, peel out, lay rubber
or watch submarine races,
and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ."

and playing baseball with no adults
to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?


And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this on to someone who can still remember

Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys,
Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy
and the Peanut Gallery,
the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale,
Trigger and Buttermilk.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say,

"Yeah, I remember that"?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.

To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.

And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

How many of these do you remember?

Candy cigarettes

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

Newsreels before the movie

P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601).

Party lines

Peashooters

Howdy Dowdy

45 RPM records

Green Stamps

Hi-Fi's

Metal ice cubes trays with levers

Mimeograph paper

Beanie and Cecil

Roller-skate keys

Cork pop guns

Drive ins

Studebakers

Washtub wringers

The Fuller Brush Man

Reel-To-Reel tape recorders

Tinkertoys

Erector Sets

The Fort Apache Play Set

Lincoln Logs

15 cent McDonald hamburgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum

Penny candy

35 cent a gallon gasoline

Jiffy Pop popcorn


Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?

It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?

A foot of snow was a dream come true?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?



If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!






HAVE A GOOD DAY

[Orest]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the
bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell her the
news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and
save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your
senses". "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."


Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".

[Orest]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on
each run, he happened to jog past a good looking hooker standing on
the same street corner, day after day.

"Fifty dollars!" she shouted from the curb.

"No way! I'll give you twenty!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run
by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars!"
He'd yell back, "Twenty!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog. As the joging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and
Hillary would wonder what Bill had been really doing on all
his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good
explanation for the junior senator, but his
usually slick tongue couldn't come up with anything.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there
was the hooker where she always stood. Bill tried to evade the
prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

There, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for
twenty bucks?"

[rattler]

that lightened my day, and yes i remember most of the above mentioned :) ....i also know that man who farts in church, sits in his own pew :D

[HighCap56]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?


For #1 The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

For #2 Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

For #3 Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show you abilities

For #4 Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

[HighCap56]

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, laughing. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[HighCap56]

1) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2) "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey

3) "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show

4) "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

5) "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
6) "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

7) "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

8) "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

9) "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

10) "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

[YOUNGSTER]

how are ya?
Just got a silly question to ask ya.
who you do think has more brain cells?
Mariah Carey
Brooke sheilds
Jason Kidd,
Miss Alabama of 1994
or none of the above?????

ok, now I've got a very common brain-celless joke for ya

this blonde woman got on an air plane
she sits in the first class seat but only has economy class ticket. but she refuse to move.
she only repeats that "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, I've got the body and I'm gonna go to new york city in first class and make it big!!!!!!"
No matter how hard the flight attendants tried to explain to her, she would not hear any of it.
She'll just repeat "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, I've got body and I'll make it big in New York, and I'm going there in first class"..... she simply refuse to move from her seat.
well, even co-pilot tried to convince her to move at no avail, and while this was going on, the pilot passes by to get to the cockpit and asks his co-pilot what's going on.
well, the co-pilot tells him the whole story and the pilot just smiles a bit and tells the co-pilot, "Well, my wife is a voluptuous blonde and I believe I know how to deal with those kind, so let me just talk to her for a minute", and then sit right by the blonde woman and whispers something in her ear....
well, the stubborn woman jumps up from the seat and grabs her belongings and runs toward the economic class seat and sits down.
The amazed co-pilot asks the pilot. "What did you ever whisper into her ear for her to react like that???????"
the pilot answers " Well, I just told her, the first class of this plane is going to south dakota but the economy class is going to New York City really soon!!!!"

[rattler]

a blond and a brunette are walking down the street...the blond runs into a bar...the brunette ducks.. :eek: my son told me this one, and i'm still trying to explain it to my 16yr old "blond" daughter :eek:

[HighCap56]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[HighCap56]

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[Axon]

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround you with intelligent people."

Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles."Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.

"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Axon]

can you tell I'm bored? here is another one
Adult Humor
http://mediapickle.com/new/toon.php?id=99

[Axon]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".
Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".
Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

[BubbaBlue]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said,"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[Orest]

An interesting point of view..

Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that
don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 82 year old US TV commentator)

I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to
crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it s an opinion.

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.

The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment
Television, and Miss Black America.
Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Etertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens.
Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law
of Probability.

I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a
private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand
the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed.

I know what the definition of lying is.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans
or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich.

I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when
necessary, and say "NO!"

"I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home
until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness."

I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a
continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.


And if you don't like my point of view, tough.

DON'T PASS IT ON!!

[Orest]

There's nothing worse than a doctor's snotty receptionist who insists you tell her what's wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you have all experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then returned. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[HighCap56]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

[HighCap56]

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."

5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

7. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

8. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

10. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

11. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

12. Marriage is a 3-ring circus.
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffer-ring.

13. Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

14. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

15. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

16. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds, "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing... "You can have mine."

17. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

18. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

19. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

[BubbaBlue]

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids and proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

[HighCap56]

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Good one, Bubba!

[HighCap56]

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo.
He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship.
The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching!
The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[HighCap56]

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy; written on it?" his wife demanded.
"Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on," explained the husband.
The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when, once again, he is bonked on the head with the frying pan.
"What's that for this time?" he asked as he felt the bump rising on his head.
"Your horse called," said his wife.

[HighCap56]

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovels full later, he quieted down completely.

The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick is getting out of the well and not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.

Finally, the donkey walked over and kicked the living shit out of the farmer that tried to bury him. Which brings us to the other moral of this story:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you.

[HighCap56]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven?
Was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Keep away from those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Axon]

Harry - the first grader.

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was
brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me
ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs do on
three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop
the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit
tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[HighCap56]

George Bush
-he Bugs Gore
Dormitory
-dirty Room
Evangelist
-evil's Agent
Presbyterian
-best In Prayer
Desperation
-a Rope Ends It
The Morse Code
-here Come Dots
Slot Machines
-cash Lost In Me
Animosity
-is No Amity
Mother-in-law
-woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms
-alas! No More Z ' S
A Decimal Point
-i ' M A Dot In Place
Eleven Plus Two
-twelve Plus One

[AL_N_VB]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which
part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together
in front of you and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

[HighCap56]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot‹you might as well go fishing."

[rattler]

LMAO...thanks

[BubbaBlue]

Turn volume up and enjoy...

Shake the snow globe (http://ww10.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm)

.

[HighCap56]

An older man is having a tough time hearing and decides to do something about it. He makes a doctor appointment and takes his wife along. The doctor looks the man over and says, "Well, this is a common problem for a man your age. I'd like to see a urine sample, fecal sample and a sperm sample." The man can¹t hear the request and turns to his wife to ask what the doctor said. The wife replies, "Honey, he wants your underwear."

[can't fish today]

Turn volume up and enjoy...

Shake the snow globe (http://ww10.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm)

.

Good one. Check this out. :D :D :D

[Billfish]

And Happy Holidays everyone!

Bubba Bad Bass (http://news.rapala.com/Christmas-2004/NoButton.html)

[HighCap56]

A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you arrive on any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign says: Floor

1: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes. The second floor sign says:

Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be better further up!"

And, again, she goes up. On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on? So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The sign on that door says:

Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day

[HighCap56]

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck!
Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Jeezus Christ, Mister, Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

[HighCap56]

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!

[HighCap56]

John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new employee. He set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. John didn't appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman with tons of experience. She was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said, "you have no ears." John again got upset and tossed her out. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman that the first two put together. John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man, "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses when you haven't got any frigging ears!"

[BubbaBlue]

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. If you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next
door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole
milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an
automatic transmission.

5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time
for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table.

6. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

7. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you
don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

8. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the
table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread all tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.

[HighCap56]

http://content.collegehumor.com/media/movies/supercop.wmv

Sorry about that....

[HighCap56]

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it
as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into
Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of
these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to
Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in
Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[rattler]

makes since to me... ;)

[HighCap56]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

[BubbaBlue]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom

Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mother.

[Hat80]

BoaterEd Prenuptial Agreement

Agreement between _____________________ (hereinafter referenced as the captain) and _________________ (hereinafter referenced as the mate), dated _________, ___, 20__ .

Whereas both parties desire to enter into a mutually beneficial relationship called a marriage involving cohabitation and funds distribution and fully recognize that one of the parties, the captain, owns a boat, hereinafter referenced as vessel. Ownership of said vessel entails responsibilities that can affect both parties.

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual agreements contained herein and other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which are hereby acknowledged, the parties hereto do hereby agree as follows:

1) The mate shall never complain about the cost of maintaining said vessel. It is further understood that, at some future point, said vessel will require upgrading to a larger, more expensive model. Said upgrade shall be also free from complaint.

2) The mate will understand that the time involved to maintain and use said vessel can be significant and shall schedule other activities, such as working, sleeping, church and eating, around this time involvement.

3) The mate shall make a fair and reasonable effort to learn nautical terminology, basic navigation and shall study various methods to ensure that said vessel shall remain "ship shape."

4) The mate shall accompany the captain on cruises and other vessel activities when invited but also understands that some fishing related trips may occur without said invitation. This shall also be borne without complaint.

5) The mate understands that the captain views his vessel as a father might view a child and wishes to provide it with the best possible equipment and ensure that its safety, health and well being remain a priority.

6) The mate understands that, while on said vessel, the captain has sole responsibility and, therefore, sole control of all on board and their activities. The mate agrees to follow orders and directions as issued by the captain in a prompt and silent manner, dealing with the captain in a respectful tone recognizing the position of total authority.

7) Should seasickness be an issue, the mate agrees to seek medical help in a timely manner to relieve this potential excuse for non-participation.

8) The captain agrees to be fair and lenient in his treatment of the mate during the learning period.

9) The captain further agrees to maintain a minimum land-based shelter for the mate and any progeny that may result from this relationship, providing at least one pair of shoes for each child and a minimum of two changes of clothing.

10) The mate shall not decorate said vessel with curtains, designer toilet paper holders, Gucci reel covers or any other such accessories with express written permission of the Captain.

In the event that the relationship is terminated at some future point, the mate agrees to lay no claim to said vessel and said vessel shall fall outside of any property settlement.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have executed this Agreement as of the day and year first above written.



__________________________________

Captain



__________________________________

Mate

[HighCap56]

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?

[HighCap56]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[BubbaBlue]

For your blonde friends...


http://www.mytempdir.com/31122004/11323.jpg

[HighCap56]

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
Whiting admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[HighCap56]

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
His wife says,"Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

[HighCap56]

A husband and wife are on a road trip. They decide to stop at a hotel. They take a room and when they check out, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But, sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[HighCap56]

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar stares at them. The guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[HighCap56]

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

[HighCap56]

A Mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when a well known heart surgeon came in to his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The Mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The Surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The Mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The Surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the Mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

[HighCap56]

Louisiana Law
Old Folks Are Funny Too


A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[BubbaBlue]

Sent as a news story, but I don't know if it's true or not... though it does sound like something T. Bubba would say. Says here he's from Midland TX. Thought he was from my hometown, Pensacola.
BB-


City Councilman ejected from studio

T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":

"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"

[HighCap56]

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni
suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell
you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly
answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to
a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored.


He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet printer and finally turns to the

cowboy and says, "You have exactly
1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says

the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the
trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can
tell you exactly what your business is, will you give
me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then
says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant systems analyst.." says the
cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did
you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy "You
showed up here even though nobody called you; you want
to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked, and you don't know anything
about my business."

"Now, give me back my dog".

[BubbaBlue]

There is a family gathering, with all the generations around the table.

The teenagers smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.

When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

[HighCap56]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.
........ "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[HighCap56]

- How to IMPRESS a WOMAN -

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

- How to IMPRESS a MAN -

Show up naked. Bring beer.

[BubbaBlue]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he as marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old geezers.

[JIGMAKER]

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

[JIGMAKER]

MELTS YOUR HEART----ALMOST

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.


"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"she asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"


"Osama Bin Laden," she says.


"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks, in shock.


"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little."


"And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells with pride and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard!"

"I know," Melissa says.

"And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

[JIGMAKER]

>The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

>"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

>"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

>"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

>"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

>"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

>"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

>"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

>"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

>"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

>"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

>"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

>"Just how big were those two beers?"

>"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

>"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

>And the best one . . .

>"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[BubbaBlue]

Hmmm... I can relate. ;)

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z
.

[rattler]

X-wife...flashbacks... :eek: :eek:

[Axon]

funny stuff (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/musclerelax.html)

[HighCap56]

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.

[HighCap56]

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

[HighCap56]

Hmmm... I can relate. ;)

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z
.

True... so very true.

[HighCap56]

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V 32 instead of a V 8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than 50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[HighCap56]

A lion wakes up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He goes out and corners a small monkey and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronts a wildebeast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildebeast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk and slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The elephant then stomps on the lion, then ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"

[HighCap56]

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[rattler]

Lmao...

[Orest]

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

[BubbaBlue]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles.."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

[shaggy]

Sick BB, sick!

Not funnies but thought some might like to read 'em:

Fishing Quotes

"Many go fishing all their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after." - Henry David Thoreau

"Unless one can enjoy himself fishing with the fly, even when his efforts are unrewarded, he loses much real pleasure. More than half the intense enjoyment of fly-fishing is derived from the beautiful surroundings, the satisfaction felt from being in the open air, the new lease of life secured thereby, and the many, many pleasant recollections of all one has seen, heard and done." - Charles F. Orvis

"Game fish are to valuable to be caught only once" - Lee Wulff

"To go fishing is the chance to wash one's soul with pure air, with the rush of the brook, or with the shimmer of sun on blue water. It brings meekness and inspiration from the decency of nature, charity toward tackle-makers, patience toward fish, a mockery of profits and egos, a quieting of hate, a rejoicing that you do not have to decide a darned thing until next week. And it is discipline in the equality of men - for all men are equal before fish."
- Herbert Hoover

"Rivers and the inhabitants of the watery elements are made for wise men to contemplate and for fools to pass by without consideration." - Izaac Walton

"Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains." - Henry David Thorea – Walden

"Blessings upon all that hate contention, and love quietnesse, and vertue, and Angling." - Izaak Walton

"The fishing was good; it was the catching that was bad." - A.K. Best

"Fishing is much more than fish. It is the great occasion when we may return to the fine simplicity of our forefathers." - Herbert Hoover

"You will find angling to be like the virtue of humanity, which has a calmness of spirit and a world of blessing attending upon it." - Izaak Walton

"All the romance of trout fishing exists in the mind of the angler and is in no way shared by the fish." - Harold F. Blaisdell - The Philosophical Fisherman

"Angling may be said to be so like the mathematics that it can never be fully learnt" - Izaak Walton

"The man who coined the phrase "Money can't buy happiness", never bought himself a good fly rod!"
- Reg Baird, from his video Labrador Trout

"My Biggest worry is that when I'm dead and gone, my wife will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it." - Koos Brandt

"Today she met me at the door, said I would have to choose, if I picked that fishing pole today, she'd be packing all her things and she'd be gone by noon....well I'm gonna miss her when I get home tonight. Right now I'm on this lake shore, and I'm sitting in the sun! I'm sure it'll hit me when I walk thru that door tonight. Yeah, I'm gonna miss her. Oh lookie there, I gotta bite!" - Brad Paisley

"Fly fishermen are born honest, but they get over it." - Ed Zern

"He told us about Christ's disciples being fisherman, and we were left to assume...that all great fishermen on the Sea of Galilee were fly fisherman and that John, the favorite, was a dry-fly fisherman." - Norman Maclean-A River Runs Through It

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles." - Doug Larson

"Eventually all things merge into one and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs." - Norman Maclean - A River Runs Through It

"I am haunted by water." - Norman Maclean - A River Runs Through It

"If fishing is like religion, then flyfishing is high church." - Tom Brokaw

"There is certainly something in angling that tends to produce a serenity of the mind." - Washington Irving

"Fly-fishing is the most fun you can have standing up." - Arnold Gingrich

"The best time to go fishing is when you can get away". - Robert Traver

"It is not difficult to learn how to cast; but it is difficult to learn not to snap the flies off at every throw."
- Charles Dudley Warner

"Calling Fly Fishing a hobby is like calling Brain Surgery a job." - Paul Schullery

"Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl." - Ernest Hemingway

"When the beginner can cast his fly into his hat, eight times out of ten, at forty feet, he is a fly fisher; and so far as casting is concerned, a good one." - James A. Henshall

"Lots of people committed crimes during the year who would not have done so if they had been fishing. The increase of crime is among those deprived of the regenerations that impregnate the mind and character of the fisherman." - Herbert Hoover

"The only thing bad about winning the pennant is that you have to manage the All-Star Game the next year. I'd rather go fishing for three years." - Whitey Herzog

"All Americans believe that they are born fishermen. For a man to admit a distaste for fishing would be like denouncing mother-love or hating moonlight." - John Steinbeck

"It is only the inexperienced and thoughtless who find pleasure in killing fish for the mere sake of killing them. No sportsman does this." - W.C. Prime

"There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy, especially in Presidents. Those are prayer and fishing." - Herbert Hoover

"Three-fourths of the Earth's surface is water, and one-fourth is land. It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn." - Chuck Clark

"Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes." - Don Marquis

"Men and fish are alike. They both get into trouble when they open their mouths." - Jimmy D Moore

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fly fish and he'll move to Montana." – Anonymous

"Heaven seems a little closer in a house beside the water." – Anonymous

"What a tourist terms a plague of insects, the fly fisher calls a great hatch." - Patrick F. McManus

"If you've got short, stubby fingers and wear reading glasses, any relaxation you would normally derive from fly fishing is completely eliminated when you try to tie on a fly." - Jack Ohman - Fear of Fly Fishing

"All of us search for that perfect trout stream. Those who find it treasure it the rest of their lives. Those who don't keep on searching." - "Trout Streams I've Known" by Jimmy D. Moore

“There is no greater fan of fly fishing than the worm.” - Patrick McManus - Never Sniff a Gift Fish

"The one great ingredient in successful fly-fishing is patience. The man whose fly is always on the water has the best chance. There is always a chance of a fish or two, no matter how hopeless it looks. You never know what may happen in fly-fishing." - Francis Francis

"To me heaven would be a big bull ring with me holding two barrera seats and a trout stream outside that no one else was allowed to fish in and two lovely houses in the town; one where I would have my wife and children and be monogamous and love them truly and well and the other where I would have my nine beautiful mistresses on nine different floors." - Ernest Hemingway

"There he stands, draped in more equipment than a telephone lineman, trying to outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb, and getting licked in the process." - Paul O'Neil

"Some go to church and think about fishing, others go fishing and think about God." - Tony Blake

"For the supreme test of a fisherman is not how many fish he has caught, not even how he has caught them, but what he has caught when he has caught no fish." - John H. Bradley

"Scholars have long known that fishing eventually turns men into philosophers. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to buy decent tackle on a philosopher's salary." - Patrick F. McManus

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot." - Steven Wright

"I am not against golf, since I cannot suspect it keeps armies of the unworthy from discovering trout." - Paul O'Neil

"The Essentials of a Good Fly-Hook The temper of an angel and penetration of a prophet; fine enough to be invisible and strong enough to kill a bull in a ten-acre field." - G.S. Marryat

"These brook trout will strike any fly youpresent, provided you don't get close enough to present it." - Dick Blalock

"And Jesus said unto them, Come ye after me, and I will make you to become fishers of men." Mark 1:17

Have Jeep will travel :D

[BubbaBlue]

There's some good ones in there shag... thx...
.

[rattler]

:)

[BubbaBlue]

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert.

As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover."

"What happened then?"

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back, 'Teddy Kennedy is a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk.'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[pensfan]

Sex:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact
the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until
then,
talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
.....................................

[BubbaBlue]

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are camping in the desert. They set up their tent, then go to sleep. Some hours later, Tonto awakens. "Kemo Sabi, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asks Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute ...
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is indeed all powerful and we are but small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Someone has stolen our tent."

[BubbaBlue]

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[striperswiper]

Hey AL you made any profit yet

[pensfan]

An Asian guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller:



"Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar fo yen-- today I get a hunet eighty."



The teller replies, "Fluctuations."



The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

:D :D :D

[BubbaBlue]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
.
.

[HighCap56]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[HighCap56]

The largest McDonald's is in Beijing, China - measuring 28,000 square feet. It has twenty nine cash registers.

A house in Baghdad worth $15,000 before the Iraq war now sells for $120,000 to $150,000.

There are between 5,000 and 7,000 tigers kept as pets in the United States.

The fertility rate in states that voted for George Bush is 12% higher than states that favored John Kerry.

The chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it's born and after it's dead.

The number of US college students studying Latin is three times the number studying Arabic.

In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

If you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements almost identical to a human adult's brain waves.

Some dogs can predict when a child will have an epileptic seizure, and even protect the child from injury. They're not trained to do this, they simply learn to respond after observing at least one attack.

32 out of 33 samples of well-known brands of milk purchased in Los Angeles and Orange counties in California had trace amounts of perchlorate. Perchlorate is the explosive component in rocket fuel.

The remains of 125 people will be launched into space where they will orbit the Earth for centuries.

The leading cause of on-the-job deaths in workplaces in America is homicide.

So far, Congress has authorized $152,600,000,000 for the Iraq war. This is enough to build over 17,500 elementary schools.

Americans take an average of just ten days per year vacation. In France, the law guarantees everyone five weeks of vacation, and most full-time workers get two full months vacation.

The IRS admits that one in five people who call their help line get the wrong answer to their question.

[HighCap56]

A local business looking for office help put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, since the dog looked determined, he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager, who said, "I can't hire you. You have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and typed out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him and then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then reminded the dog, "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He then demonstrated his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database which he presented to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign. he put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. "Yes," the manager said, "but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the face, and said, "Meow."

[big brother]

This should help to clear up many misconceptions!



HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
____________________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
____________________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
____________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good
____________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
____________________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
___________________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO?...Cocoa beans...another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
____________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
____________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

[HighCap56]

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."
Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket then said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[HighCap56]

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

[HighCap56]

Useful Info?


Researchers have found that doctors who spend at least three hours a week playing video games make about 37% fewer mistakes in laparoscopic surgery than surgeons who didn't play video games.

Before he had his own show, Jerry Seinfeld appeared on three episodes of the TV show "Benson" as the governor's speechwriter.

There are 1,008 McDonald's franchises in France.

Hostess Twinkies were originally filled with banana filling. The filling was changed during World War II when the United States experienced a banana shortage.

World War II veterans are now dying at the rate of about 1,100 each day.

George W. Bush is probably going to be the eighth president in US history to have completed a term in office without ever having issued a single veto.

A deployed air bag adds as much as $2,000 to the cost of repairing a vehicle. That's enough for insurance companies to often declare the car "totaled".

For the first time in history, the number of people on the planet aged 60 or over will soon surpass those under 5.

A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.

One out of five people in the world (1.1 billion people) live on less than $1 per day.

The Swedish pop group ABBA recently turned down an offer of $2 billion to reunite.

The New Yorker magazine now has more subscribers in California than New York.

Five years ago, 60% of all retail purchases were made with cash or check. Now it's 50%. By 2010, 39% of purchases will be made by cash or check.

35 Billion e-mails are sent each day throughout the world.

The richest self-made American under 40 is Michael Dell, chairman of Dell Computers. He is worth $18 billion.

[HighCap56]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

[TC]

Guy walks into the optomitrist's examination room:
The doctor says,"Herb, you really have to stop masturbating."
Herb asks, "Why Doc, am I going blind?"
The doctors says, "No, but you are scaring the shit out of my patients in the waiting room." :D

[fyremanjef]

What is black and white and can't go through a revolving door?


A nun with a spear through her hed.

[CrawFish]

Borrowed from another page..

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could
have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

[FL FISHERMAN]

Good one!!! :D

[raxarsr]

why do blondes always have black and blue belly buttons?...........
.....blonde guys are pretty stupid too :D

[HighCap56]

More people in the United States die during the first week of the month than during the last, an increase that may be a result of the abuse of substances purchased with benefit checks that come at the beginning of each month.

In the film Forrest Gump, all the still photos show Forrest with his eyes closed.

There are an average of 18,000,000 items for sale at any time on EBay.

On EBay, there are an average of $680 worth of transactions each second.

The New York Times reports that in February 2004, 62% of all e-mail was spam.

A Massachusetts surgeon left a patient with an open incision for 35 minutes while he went to deposit a check.

In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 34B. Today it's 36C.

U.K. telecom provider Telewest Broadband is testing a device that hooks to your PC and wafts a scent when certain e-mails arrive.

The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.

In 1993, David McLean developed lung cancer. He died on October 12, 1995. McLean's death made him the second Marlboro Man to die of lung cancer. Another actor, Wayne McLaren, died in 1992 at the age of 51 from lung cancer.

There is a bar in London that sells vaporized vodka, which is inhaled instead of sipped.

According to market research firm NPD Fashionworld, fifty percent of all lingerie purchases are returned to the store.

The Eiffel Tower shrinks 6 inches in winter.

The first FAX machine was patented in 1843, 33 years before Alexander Graham Bell demonstrated the telephone.

72% of Americans sign their pets' names on greeting cards they send out.

[fyremanjef]

Virus alert.

There is a new virus: code name is "work." If you receive "work," from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any where else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!! This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life. This virus is deadly. Please pay close attention to it and take heed.

[Orest]

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!

Especially note the last couple of sentences.




To whom this may concern

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

[CrawFish]

Honeymoon Down (http://www.killsometime.com/Audio/Funny-Audio.asp?audio=Horse-Race)

***Warning: Rated Mature****

[pensfan]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
> "Talking
> Dog For Sale."
>
> He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard.
> The
> guy goes around the
> house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever
> sitting
> there.
> "You talk?" he asks.
> "Yep," the Lab replies.
> "So, what's your story?"
> The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I
> was
> pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA
> about
> my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
> country,
> sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a
> dog
> would be eavesdropping.
> I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the
> jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
> younger
> so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to
do
> some
> undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
> and
> listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
> batch
> of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
> retired."
> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for
> the
> dog.
> "Ten dollars", says the owner.
> The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so
> cheap?"
> "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
>

DeleteReplyForwardSpamMove...

[BubbaBlue]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Babe Ruth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~ Lyndon B. Johnson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
~ Ernest Hemingway

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Paul Hornung

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ H. L. Mencken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
~ W. C. Fields

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~ Professor Irwin Corey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Leo Durocher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

.

[pensfan]

along a highway...

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best
friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and
the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him,
smiles and says, "The airbag"!

[pensfan]

A married couple are lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns
His bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles
her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very
short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more arozsed assuming that her
husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts
stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown.
I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

[rattler]

:(

[HighCap56]

For The Concerned Citizen
Unusual Letters


Someone wrote a letter to the White House complaining about treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Below is a copy of the letter he received back.


The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C., 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay. Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn, thanks to concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation, under heavily armed guard, to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (just call him Ahmed ) is to be cared for pursuant to standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can kill you with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next Yoga Group meeting.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosives from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife and daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka over time. Just remind them it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind Regards,

[HighCap56]

The Fastest Thing You Know Of


A Walmart manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only
one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to
Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling
so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t in my pants.
Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Hanford Walmart.

[BubbaBlue]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

God Bless America

[inawe]

A blind man goes into a store and walks up to the counter , the sales lady ask,s sir do you need any help , the man bends over , pick,s his dog up and turns all the way around in a circle , and say,s to the clerk naw , Im just looking around :eek:

[HighCap56]

How To Poop At Work
Lessons in Life


We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where
abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[fyremanjef]

WHY REDNECKS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when oneof them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."


There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.


The redneck's voice comes back on the "Okay, now what?

[Cdog]

ONLY IN AMERICA: and canada too...

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America. ....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don' t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[CrawFish]

good one Dawg!!!... I'm scratching my and wonder when I read this message... especially the cheeseburger, large fries, and diet coke... :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[Anthony]

The one that gets me is the drive through ATM with braille lettering, that is a good one.

[Cdog]

This was my personal favorite...

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Who says all that comes in email is junk... :D

[rattler]

:) ...makes too much sense to me...now i won't sleep tonight...

[Dixie719]

SOMEONE please kill this Thread and start a new Amuse Me Please 2! :p

Too much to go through...

[Fishman]

:d

[big brother]

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing????


because she smells like a NEW TRUCK!!!!