Amuse Me Please! (Part 2)

[Dixie719]

YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE TELLS IT ALL

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex." :p :D :eek:

[pensfan]

Good Questions...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Is it possible to have a civil war?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do people ask where the self-help section is at bookstores?

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Are all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets, going as ghosts, really going as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Is Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Isn't it just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

If "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language, then is "I Do" the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, and olive oil is made of olives, then what is baby oil made out of?

If the parsley farmer goes into debt, do you garnish his wages?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you still touch it to be sure?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Daily Quote...
Voters quickly forget what a man says.
~Richard Nixon

[BubbaBlue]

WORDS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:



FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm.This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

[CrawFish]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[big brother]

http://www.goodolddogs2.com/older.html

[Big EL]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own *&?# blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

:D

><))))*>

[BubbaBlue]

Little Joan grew up as a blonde, and married me, so you know what I have to put up with.
The other day, she came running up, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down with her. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", so I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

Joan stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

She said "Oh, honey. There's more", so I asked, "What do you mean more?" She said, "We are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive."

[fyremanjef]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

Don't ya just love lawyers?

[BubbaBlue]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr Phil show, I have found inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel , a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

[rattler]

Get Her Done... :d

[BubbaBlue]

Get Her Done... :d ;) :D

Yeah, was sent to me by a New-Age'er lady friend. :p
.

[Dixie719]

Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it
..

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed
Typoglycemia :)-

[BubbaBlue]

A crusty old Marine Gunnery Sergeant found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Gunnery Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative ma'am," the Gunny said," just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Gunny's short reply was, "Yes ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."

The Gunny just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Gunny looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Gunny, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."
.

[BubbaBlue]

Bamma Bass Boat (http://www.imagehosting.us/imagehosting/showimg.jpg/?id=575205)

.

[Dixie719]

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

[fyremanjef]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."


The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said,

"Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
:D :D

[chest2head&glassy]

Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it
..

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed
Typoglycemia :)-

I uoondrsetd tihs qtiue cellray. :)

[BubbaBlue]

BREAKFAST AT THE CRACKER BARREL

A Southerner is having his breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits and jam, when a Northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sits down next to him. The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"
Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (After blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South." The Northerner has a smirk on his face.

The Southerner listens in silence.

The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?" Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (Cracking and smacking his gum and chuckling) "We don't. Up North, after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then, send it down South."

Then the Southerner asks, "Y'all have sex up
North?"
Northerner: "Why, of course, we do." And, he pops another big bubble.

Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?"
Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."

Southerner: "We don't. Down South, we put 'em in a jar, melt 'em down into bubble gum, and sell 'em to Yankees.".............

[BubbaBlue]

The southern way.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."His father sends th money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' SOB!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy"

[BubbaBlue]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Blue Heron]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE ... LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're
looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

[BubbaBlue]

Saw this and thought of Clyde's signature line. ;)


http://mysite.verizon.net/vze89jhi/20Years.jpg

[Marion]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were
spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress-
sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they
walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback
gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars,
and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his
chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The
husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to
show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars
down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell him you have a headache."

[BubbaBlue]

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."


"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
.

[Marion]

That, bro, is one good joke. Love it!

[BubbaBlue]

These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Note: most, if not all of those answering the questions are now no longer with us.

-- -- -- -- --

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hand while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
.

[BubbaBlue]

A blonde woman just finishes a round of golf, and heads into the pro shop. As she enters, the golf pro inguires about how her round went. "Terrible", the woman replies, "there were bees all over the course, and I even got stung". Concerned, the golf pro asks "Where did you get stung?" The woman replies, showing her blondeness, "Between the 1st and 2nd holes!" The golf pro replies, "AAHHH, there is your problem, your stance is too wide"
.

[HighCap56]

Sorry - too good to pass up.

Seem's George Sr and Jr. been doing a little Striper fishin.....

http://www.quickhelp.com/images/bushvacation.jpg

No hate mail please.... ;)

[ro-h2o]

One bright day in the middle of the night two dead men got up to fight, back to back they faced eachother, drew there swords and shot each other, if you dont think this is true just ask the blind man he saw it too.

[Advisor]

This one came from my sister-in-law Melissa. Randy


A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New
> York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
> Among the instructions at the entrance is a
> description of how the store operates.
>
> You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six
> floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
> shopper ascends the flights.
>
> There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man
> from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up
> afloor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
> building!
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
> husband.
>
> On the first floor the sign on the door reads Floor 1
> - These men have jobs.
>
> The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have
> jobs and love kids.
>
> The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have
> jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
>
> "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads Floor 4
> -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good
> looking and help with the housework.
>
>
> "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
>
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
> Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
> drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have
> a strong romantic streak.
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth
> floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor
> 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
> floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women
> are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the
> Husband Store.

[BubbaBlue]

On Saturday morning I got up early, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage and hooked up the boat to the truck.

Then while coming out of the garage I saw that rain is pouring down; it is a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. I returned to the garage, came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and so I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily relies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"
.

[CrawFish]

"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily relies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"
.
It's kinda like, "Mailman, your early today." :eek: :D :p :)

[NTKG]

:D A blonde woman just finishes a round of golf, and heads into the pro shop. As she enters, the golf pro inguires about how her round went. "Terrible", the woman replies, "there were bees all over the course, and I even got stung". Concerned, the golf pro asks "Where did you get stung?" The woman replies, showing her blondeness, "Between the 1st and 2nd holes!" The golf pro replies, "AAHHH, there is your problem, your stance is too wide"
.

sorry that was funny

[AL_N_VB]

still don't get it...that's what my wife always says.......geez ,ain't sen a cable bill in months:D

[MANDINGO]

The southern way.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."His father sends th money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' SOB!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy"
BUBBA:D

[Blue Heron]

"Five Secrets Of A Perfect Relationship"

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.



5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[big brother]

some unit conversions NOT found in the handbook ...

ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: eskimo pi

2000 pounds of chinese soup: won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1
bananosecond.

weight an evangelist carries with god: 1 billigram

time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
filling:1
lite year

16.5 feet in the twilight zone: 1 rod sterling

half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

shortest distance between two jokes: astraight line.

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 fig newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

[Blue Heron]

> Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
> After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
> think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
> The other guy responds proudly,
> "Yes, that I am"
>
> The first guy says, "So am I
>
> And where about from Ireland might you be?"
>
> The other guy answers,
> "I'm from Dublin, I am."
>
> The first guy responds,
>
> "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin
> ?"
>
> The other guy says,
> "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old
> central part of town."
>
> The first guy says,
> "Faith & begora it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.
> And to what school would you have been going?"
>
> The other guy answers,
> "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
>
> The first guy gets really excited and says,
> "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
>
> The other guy answers,
> "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
>
> The first guy exclaims,
> "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
> I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
> Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
>
> About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
>
> Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
> "It's going to be a long night tonight"
>
> Vicky asks,
> "Why do you say that, Brian?"
>
> "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
>

[Blue Heron]

> FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
>
> AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
>
> REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY FEB.14
> NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
> OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
> PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
>
> Class 1
> How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step,
> with Slide Presentation.
> Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours
> beginning at 7:00 PM.
>
> Class 2
> The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
> Round Table Discussion.
> Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
>
>
> Class 3
> Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of
> Lifting The Seat and
> Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
> Group Practice.
> Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
>
> Class 4
> Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and
> The Floor ---
> Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
> Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
>
> Class 5
> After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into
> The Kitchen Sink?
> Examples on Video.
> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
> beginning
> at 7:00 PM
>
> Class 6
> Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your
> Significant Other.
> Help Line Support and Support Groups.
> Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
>
> Class 7
> Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking
> In The Right Places
> And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
> Open Forum .
> Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
>
> Class 8
> Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful
> To Your Health.
> Graphics and Audio Tapes.
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for
> 2 hours.
>
> Class 9
> Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life
> Testimonials.
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
>
> Class 10
> Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She
> Parallel Parks?
> Drivin! g Simulations.
> 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
>
> Class 11
> Learning to Live --- Basic ! Differences Between
> Mother and Wife.
> Online Classes and role-playin g .
> Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
>
> Class 12
> How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
> Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
> Techniques.
> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
> beginning at ! 7:00 PM.
>
> Class 13
> How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering
> Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and
> Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
> Cerebral Shoc k Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
> Offered.
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for
> 2 hours.
>
> Class 14
> The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
> Live Demonstration.
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
>
> Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas
> will be issued to the survivors
>
>
>
>
>
> John Maxwell wrote:
>
> Because I'm a Man
>
> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the
> car, I will fiddle
> with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
> Calling AAA is
> not an option. I will win.>
> _________________________________________
>
> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running
> very well, I will pop
> the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
> I'm looking at. If
> another man shows up, one of us will say to the
> other, "I used to be
> able to ! fix these things, but now with all these
> computers and
> everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will
> then drink a
> couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy
> communion.
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need
> someone to bring me
> soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
> You're a woman.
> You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no
> problem.
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to
> purchase basic groceries
> at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be
> expected to find exotic
> items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these
> are the same thing.
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances
> stops working, I will
> insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this
> will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
> gets here and has to put it back together.
>
>
> ___________________________________________________
> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television
> remote control in my
> hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
> misplaced, I may miss a
> whole show looking for it.....though one time I was
> able to survive by
> holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers
> mainly).
>
>
> _______________________________________________________
>
>
> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me
> what I'm thinking
> about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
> sex, sports or sex.
> I have to make up something else when you ask, so
> don't ask.
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your
> mother, or have your
> mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls,
> or think about her
> any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
> Mother's Day is okay;
> I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up
> something for my mother, too.
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I
> liked the movie.
> Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I
> didn't....and if you
> are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will
> certainly at least
> remember the name and recommend it to others.
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is
> fine. I thought
> what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
> Either pair of
> shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks
> fine. Your hair is
> fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the
> year 2006, I will
> share equally in the housework. You just do the
> laundry, the cooking,
> the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll
> do the rest......
> like wandering around in the garden with a beer
> wondering what to do.
>
> ______________________________________________
>
> This has been a public service message for women
> to better
> understand men...
>

[Blue Heron]

An old Native American Chief sat in his hut on the reservation,
smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two government officials sent to
interview him. "Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, "You have
observed the white man for ninety years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued,
"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man
go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and
then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Natives were
running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did
all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and
fishing. All night having sex." Then the Chief leaned back, and smiled,
adding, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system
like that."

[BubbaBlue]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[MANDINGO]

Keep An Asshole In Suspense?:d :d :d :d :d

[repair5343]

"THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE"



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.