Police humor...

[Gnatman]

Who says the police don't have a sense of humor?

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual Dallas Police car videos and distributed by Monica Smith, Director DPD
Public Relations Officer:


#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, by all means you can talk to the shift supervisor if you think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen Pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey doo!"

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPI C/NCIC.."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? Well, you are right, we don't. Now, sign here.

[BrokenRod]

Two men were driving through North Carolina when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in North Carolina, son," the trooper answered.

"When we pull you over in North Carolina, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer" the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and
"WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper."

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down the oad you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!" :D

[mlbowman1]

A cop pulls a guy over for swerving.

Cop: Your eyes look a little bloodshot, have you been drinking?

Driver: Your eyes look a little glazed, have you been at Dunken Donuts?

[Dogg Fish]

Good ones, all three. I like what happened in this thread, where someone posted a good humorous one, then the replies were on the same subject and also good ones.

The last five or so humor posts I have put up here in the Lounge have earned a grand total of zero replies, so maybe my humor is a bit off base for this audience . . .

[Gotta Go]

This actually happened to me about 10 years ago.

I was pulled over for speeding on I-66 at Manassass, VA. by the Virginia State police.:cool: And I was speeding.

I asked the state trooper if I explained why I was speeding, would he consider letting me go. He said let me hear it.

I explained to him that my wife said that if I could get home by a certain time that we would have sex that evening.:)

He said that he completely understood and that he would write the ticket just as fast as he could.:(

[mlbowman1]

This actually happened to me about 10 years ago.

I was pulled over for speeding on I-66 at Manassass, VA. by the Virginia State police.:cool: And I was speeding.

I asked the state trooper if I explained why I was speeding, would he consider letting me go. He said let me hear it.

I explained to him that my wife said that if I could get home by a certain time that we would have sex that evening.:)

He said that he completely understood and that he would write the ticket just as fast as he could.:(

That's hilarious...Luckily it wasn't a county cop. The are jack@$$ up there. I'm glad I moved.

[GCsurfishingirl]

The dumbest excuse I have ever used (that got me out of the speeding ticket :D ) was that I had on shoes that were heavier than I was used to! The State Trooper just looked at me, I sheepishly smiled, and he let me go without a ticket! I have countless stories about getting out of tickets - better knock on wood or I just jinxed myself!

Britt

[RuddeDogg]

In my 18 years of being a 9-1-1 operator I have seen and heard evry excuse, story, theory that anyone can give an officer. The best one that ever heard was this one........

If you are familiar with the breathalyzer you know that it tests the alcohol that comes from your breath in your lungs. Anyway a prominent lady was arrested and charged with DUI in our town. She was brought in nad given the balance tests again and then placed on the breathalyzer. When you blow into the hose it moves a piston filling up the machine with a breath sample. Anyone that has ever done this knows that you are told to blow until the officer says STOP. Usually you turn blue/purple before being told to stop. This ensures a good sample. NOW.....while this being done you are being recorded, video and audio. You are also being recorded nad monitored in the dispatch center. Well....this lady who was the wife of a prominent lawyer here just couldn't move this piston in the machine. After several attempts she became very emotional and blurted out, "I don't understand why this is happening." She was asked why she thought this and she replied, "Because I really give a great B*** ***. Just ask my husband.......and my boyfriend." Needles to say it was quite amusing.

[BrokenRod]

Three men are going through the police academy. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.

They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."

The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."

Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.

The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her."

[BrokenRod]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[BrokenRod]

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

[BrokenRod]

Two guys, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

[BrokenRod]

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[johnnyleo11]

This thing is starting to turn in to a GALLS catalog!
:p