old linesides
12-09-2006, 10:38 AM
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar,
but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't
be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
==================================================
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
================================================== ==
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?
Somebody?
================================================== =
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December
20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes
the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-
or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Did I miss anything?
================================================== =
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations
at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based
Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate
your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
================================================== ==
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram
of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's
a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
================================================== ==
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going
to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you
like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your #$%^^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes ...
but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream
right now!
================================================== ===
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
:D
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar,
but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't
be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
==================================================
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
================================================== ==
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?
Somebody?
================================================== =
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December
20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes
the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-
or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Did I miss anything?
================================================== =
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations
at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based
Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate
your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
================================================== ==
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram
of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's
a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
================================================== ==
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going
to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you
like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your #$%^^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes ...
but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream
right now!
================================================== ===
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
:D