Amuse Me Please!

[HighCap56]

I'm sure a lot of you have seen many of these. Some were new to me, some not; but always good for a smile anyway.

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
--Author Unknown

3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey

4) The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it....at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown (presumed deceased)

6) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry

7) Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger

8) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
--Paula Poundstone

9) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien


10) I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
--Richard Jeni

11) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
--Johnny Carson

12) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde

13) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain

14) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
--Robin Williams

15) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
--Roseanne

16) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal

17) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
--Dave Barry

So... how about it? Got something funny?

Amuse me please!

[shaggy]

Baltimore's offense, one should find amusing, if one can find it.

[Cdog]

or the Dallas defense.....

[Orest]

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY...... Check it out these actual cases:

1) Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast,some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control he fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

2) A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife was nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped. They dropped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
____________________________________________

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

3) The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________

Still think you are having a bad day?

4) A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his walkman.

What a great excuse this would be if you really wanted to get rid of some built up tension towards your partner! (Hee-Hee)
_______________________________________________

STILL think you! 're having a bad day?

5) Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
___________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day?

6) Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

[Orest]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.

After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Really? After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[HighCap56]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started to become a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Tide with bleach alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday and told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. It was quite a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Signed,
A Relieved Menopausal Wife

[Orest]

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said, '@#@# the Rabbi.'"

[Fatback]

[HighCap56]

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Saturday and Sunday = fishing or sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. That is the way God intended it. Let it be!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is considered blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache or exhaustion that lasts for 7 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like default settings on your computer. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, we will be scratching it. Immediately! That is what men do.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but, it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to be somewhere on-time, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as basketball, the shotgun formation, shock leaders, or beach structure.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[JIGMAKER]

This is a real police story.

I was called to the corner of Benning road and East Capital Street for a one auto accident.

In the middle of the median of East Capital Street there is a car crashed up against a tree.

I walked up up to the driver side of the car. The driver opens the door and a piece of fried chicken breast falls to the ground.

I ask what happened.

He looks at me with a dumb founded look and says " I was eattin' a piece of chicken and the next thing I knew I crashed."

Come to find out from the passenger that the driver choked and blacked on the chicken he was eating.

The only thing that saved this guys life was the force of him crashing into a tree to get the piece of chicken out of his wind pipe.

The moral of the story?
Don't eat and drive, but if you do make sure there is a tree in the median.

[Fatback]

The year 1864. Gen Sherman was finishing up the burning down of Atlanta. As he was leaving he noticed a lone rebel soldier up on top Stone Mountain. The rebel was cussing the Yankees something fierce. Calling them all kinds of bad names. Well Gen Sherman could not have that going on, so he said "send 10 of our finest troops up their and get that rebel down". An hour pasted, then two, and Gen Sherman was getting worried. So he said "send a hundred of our best troops up there to find our men and get that rebel down from there, he is making us look bad!" Well, an hour pasted then two and again Gen Sherman was getting worried. Then all of the sudden one of his men came crawling up, bleeding from every pour of his body. Just before he took his final breath he said "Gen Sherman its a trick, there two of them up there"

[HighCap56]

My friend from Siberia just returned from Southern China (Southwestern Mongolia - Urumchi to be precise)

She was served this for dinner one night....



I told her it looked like someone had a rough nite and couldn't find the porcelain bus.

She thinks it might be a Sea Cucumber.

Any speculation as to it's identity?

[Wilber]

My favorite joke of all time.

An old man and an old lady are talking in a nursing home one day,

The Old man says, "Guess how old I am"

The Old lady Says, "OK, unzip your fly"

The Old man does.

The Old lady reachs in and feels around a while and says, "You're 86"

The Old man says, "Tha's amazing, how did you know that"

The Old lady says, "You told me yesterday"

[Orest]

A husband is watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light now?
Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead?

Fine, then the wife asks,"Well then, could you fix
the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied,"Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on
my forehead? "Fine", she says, "Then you could at least
fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." he says,
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?

I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!"
so he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides
to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already
fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he
goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey", he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"

she said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a
nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do
was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
the husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
and the wife replied, "Hellooooo.... .... .

Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?

[Orest]

1. Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."


2. One morning, a grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old
grandson. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in
her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV- "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in, or stay out."


4. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

5. Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Johnny. "Giving up?"

[Orest]

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?


All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home
when the kids got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned,
oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air?
And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses,
dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed . . . and they did?

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...
to cruise, peel out, lay rubber
or watch submarine races,
and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ."

and playing baseball with no adults
to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?


And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this on to someone who can still remember

Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys,
Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy
and the Peanut Gallery,
the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale,
Trigger and Buttermilk.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say,

"Yeah, I remember that"?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.

To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.

And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

How many of these do you remember?

Candy cigarettes

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

Newsreels before the movie

P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601).

Party lines

Peashooters

Howdy Dowdy

45 RPM records

Green Stamps

Hi-Fi's

Metal ice cubes trays with levers

Mimeograph paper

Beanie and Cecil

Roller-skate keys

Cork pop guns

Drive ins

Studebakers

Washtub wringers

The Fuller Brush Man

Reel-To-Reel tape recorders

Tinkertoys

Erector Sets

The Fort Apache Play Set

Lincoln Logs

15 cent McDonald hamburgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum

Penny candy

35 cent a gallon gasoline

Jiffy Pop popcorn


Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?

It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?

A foot of snow was a dream come true?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?



If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!






HAVE A GOOD DAY

[Orest]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the
bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell her the
news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and
save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your
senses". "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."


Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".

[Orest]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on
each run, he happened to jog past a good looking hooker standing on
the same street corner, day after day.

"Fifty dollars!" she shouted from the curb.

"No way! I'll give you twenty!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run
by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars!"
He'd yell back, "Twenty!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog. As the joging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and
Hillary would wonder what Bill had been really doing on all
his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good
explanation for the junior senator, but his
usually slick tongue couldn't come up with anything.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there
was the hooker where she always stood. Bill tried to evade the
prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

There, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for
twenty bucks?"

[rattler]

that lightened my day, and yes i remember most of the above mentioned ....i also know that man who farts in church, sits in his own pew

[HighCap56]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?


For #1 The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

For #2 Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

For #3 Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show you abilities

For #4 Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

[HighCap56]

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, laughing. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[HighCap56]

1) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2) "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey

3) "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show

4) "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

5) "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
6) "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

7) "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

8) "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

9) "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

10) "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

[YOUNGSTER]

how are ya?
Just got a silly question to ask ya.
who you do think has more brain cells?
Mariah Carey
Brooke sheilds
Jason Kidd,
Miss Alabama of 1994
or none of the above?????

ok, now I've got a very common brain-celless joke for ya

this blonde woman got on an air plane
she sits in the first class seat but only has economy class ticket. but she refuse to move.
she only repeats that "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, I've got the body and I'm gonna go to new york city in first class and make it big!!!!!!"
No matter how hard the flight attendants tried to explain to her, she would not hear any of it.
She'll just repeat "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, I've got body and I'll make it big in New York, and I'm going there in first class"..... she simply refuse to move from her seat.
well, even co-pilot tried to convince her to move at no avail, and while this was going on, the pilot passes by to get to the cockpit and asks his co-pilot what's going on.
well, the co-pilot tells him the whole story and the pilot just smiles a bit and tells the co-pilot, "Well, my wife is a voluptuous blonde and I believe I know how to deal with those kind, so let me just talk to her for a minute", and then sit right by the blonde woman and whispers something in her ear....
well, the stubborn woman jumps up from the seat and grabs her belongings and runs toward the economic class seat and sits down.
The amazed co-pilot asks the pilot. "What did you ever whisper into her ear for her to react like that???????"
the pilot answers " Well, I just told her, the first class of this plane is going to south dakota but the economy class is going to New York City really soon!!!!"

[rattler]

a blond and a brunette are walking down the street...the blond runs into a bar...the brunette ducks.. my son told me this one, and i'm still trying to explain it to my 16yr old "blond" daughter

[HighCap56]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."