Advice On Hurricanes

[Talapia]

(someone sent this to me)

ADVICE ON HURRICANES
We've entered the peak of the
hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV
and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the
Gulf of Mexico (or the Atlantic) and
making two basic meteorological points:

1) There is no need to panic.
2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting
time to be in Florida. If you're new to
the area, you're probably wondering
what you need
to do to prepare for the possibility that
we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on
our experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled
water to last your family for at least
three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your
car.
STEP 3. Drive to Ohio and remain
there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that
most people will not follow this sensible
plan. Most people will foolishly stay here
in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedne! ss items:

HURRICANE INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have
hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as
long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
1) It is reasonably well-built, and
2) It is located in Ohio.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in
Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane,
most insurance companies would prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have
to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of your house. At
any moment, this ! company can drop
you like used dental floss. Since
Hurricane George, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by
the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states
that, in addition to my premium, Bob
and Big Stan are entitled, on demand,
to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters
on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if
it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood Shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're
cheap. The disadvantage is that, because
you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-Metal Shutters: The advantage
is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disa! dvantage is that
once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it
will be December.

Roll-Down Shutters: The advantages are
that they're very easy to use, and will
definitely protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you will have to
sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-Proof Windows: These are
the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection.
They look like ordinary windows, but they
can withstand hurricane winds! You can
be sure of this, because the salesman
says so. He lives in Ohio.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your
yard for movable objects like barbecue
grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc.
You should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if yo! u
don't have a swimming pool, you should
have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you
should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at
your drivers license; if it says "Florida,"
you live in a low-lying area).

The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead,
you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic
jam several miles from your home, along
with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not
be lonely

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a
mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!
Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute then go to
the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the
last can of SPAM.
· In addition to food and water, you
will need the following supplies:
· 23 flashlights and at least $167
worth of batteries that won't work or
will be the wrong size for the flashlights.
· Bleach. (No, I don't know what the
bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so
GET some!)
· A 55-gallon drum of underarm
deodorant. A big knife that you can
strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
· A large quantity of raw chicken to
placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went thr! ough a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
· 35,000 in cash or diamonds so that,
after the hurricane passes, you can buy
a generator from a man with no discernible
teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the
situation by turning on your television
and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you
over and over how vitally important it is
for everybody to stay away from the
ocean. Good luck, and remember:
It's great living in Paradise.



On a serious note, I wish everybody
in harms way a safe and uneventful
time. Talapia, outa here...

[Fatback]

Don't forget that you will need LOTS of beer.

During my first hurricane scare my wife went out for supplies. She got the usual stuff, but got a large bottle of rum. I asked her about the rum (we are not big liquor drinkers) and she said "well everyone else was getting some".

[the rhondel]

Yep Fatback....I get answers like that too .......kinda makes you wonder what goes on upstairs doesn't it?????....the R

[Hat80]

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes.Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.


Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

[the rhondel]

Would be funny if it weren't true .....in addition my wife has the absolute worse sense of direction and no concept of time.......somethings going on up there ,but I just don't have the slightest idea of what it is.And I don't think she does either.But....ya gotta love em. ....the R