Amuse Me Thread (starting a new one)

[fyremanjef]

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[fyremanjef]

Special bulletin from the Pentagon
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, South Carolina and West Virginia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[razorback]

Number 5 is hilarious.

[fyremanjef]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked!

[cygnus-x1]

I've told this one before but it was in a fishing related thread:

The president of Budweiser, Miller, and Guiness sit down in a bar and the waitress comes over and asks what they each would like to drink.

Pres of Budweisers: Well I would like a Budweiser, the king of beers! thank you.

Pres of Miller: Make mine a Miller ... Its Miller Time.

Pres of Guiness: I'll have water thank you.

The other two looked at the pres of guiness and said "How come you did not order a Guiness my friend?"

He replied: Well if you two are not going to drink beer ... then neither will I !!

:D :D

[rob@wilson.org]

Ok, so the bank I work for was looking to hire a new file clerk. They were a little backed up as the last one quit without giving notice. So, they brought in 3 temps for a few weeks just to get caught up and they planned to hire one full time and letting the other two go. All three girls seemed to do a good job IMHO. But somehow my bank screwed up and paid them all twice what they should have been paid. The next morning, one of the temps points out that she got paid extra and gave it back. The manager was impressed that she would be so honest. Then a few days later one of the other two finally came forward and admitted that she thought about keeping it but she couldn't and gave back her extra pay. The third one never came forward. So which one do you think we hire? Of coure, the one with the biggest breast.:D

[RedskinFan228]

Ok, so the bank I work for was looking to hire a new file clerk. They were a little backed up as the last one quit without giving notice. So, they brought in 3 temps for a few weeks just to get caught up and they planned to hire one full time and letting the other two go. All three girls seemed to do a good job IMHO. But somehow my bank screwed up and paid them all twice what they should have been paid. The next morning, one of the temps points out that she got paid extra and gave it back. The manager was impressed that she would be so honest. Then a few days later one of the other two finally came forward and admitted that she thought about keeping it but she couldn't and gave back her extra pay. The third one never came forward. So which one do you think we hire? Of coure, the one with the biggest breast.:D

She must have looked strange only having one breast LOL

[JimInVA]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have
just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means
"something," and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in
"Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a w ord, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
"Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over "Nothing"


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements
that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means
that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or
faint. Just say you're welcome.



Oh, and before we forget
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ U!

[Nserch4Drum]

Young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes
to a big "everything under one roof" department store
looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close
and see how you did"

His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came
down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve
considerably or look for another job! How much was the
sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the heck did you
sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I
sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger
fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I
asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
a new bass boat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I
asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake
and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the
RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the
truck.

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons
for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot,
you might as well go fishing.'"

[fyremanjef]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on
the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know, he asked,

"What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah?" said the cop, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket..................................$195.00

Court Costs....................................$45.00

The look on cop's face...........PRICELESS

[rattler]

ROFLMAO...that was good...:D :D :D