# Floridian Humor / Nothing Personal



## Kozlow (Oct 25, 2002)

TOP TEN REASONS WHY NORTHERNERS SHOULD NOT MOVE TO FLORIDA 
1.MOSQUITOES:Florida is notorious for these biting insects. It is not unusual to encounter massive clouds of these insects that can inflict thousands of painful bites in only a few seconds. The worst thing about Florida 'skeeters is not that they can carry malaria, it's the deadly ENCEPHLITIS that has concerned so many residents over the past few years. At times, ENCEPHLITIS concerns have caused closures of night time outdoor events. The good news is that we "think" that Florida mosquitoes cannot transmit the HIV virus, but don't bet on it. 
Watch out for the west Nile Virus also.

2.HURRICANES:These powerful storms have caused thousands of casualties and have wiped entire residential areas off the map. The deadly hurricane of 1928, claimed over 2000 victims in just South Florida alone! A more recent hurricane, Andrew, destroyed over 3000 mobile homes, 70,000 acres of mangrove, 63,000 residential homes, and left 250,000 homeless. If you think this sounds like fun, then consider this, Andrew only ranked as the 23rd worst on record and was not even ranked in the most powerful category. But you ain't seen nothing yet,Cause the big one is long over-due! 

3.CRIME:Florida's major cities rank among the most crime ridden urban areas in the nation. From home invasions to car-jackings to murder, both Floridians, and tourists alike, have had their lives shattered by increasing crime. Statistics indicate that most of Florida's criminals are usually low-lifes from the Northeast. So, if you encounter crime in Florida, a likely probability, please don't blame us Natives, the perpetrator will most likely be one of your own home-boys from up North! 

4.DANGEROUS WILDLIFE:The Sunshine State is a subtropical region, full of all kinds of critters, including alligators, man-eating sharks, poisonous snakes, insects, and the infamous skunk-ape. The good news is that in all the gator attacks on humans, only a few victims have been eaten. [although it is difficult to fully account for victims eaten by sharks and 'gators, since there are never any remains. It is possible that many of Florida's missing people may have been lunch for some man-eating creature, although we would rather believe that they were victims of rising crime, see #3 above.] Development is forcing our wildlife into neighborhoods of newcomers. It is now common for a 'gator to show up in a backyard swimming pool, and eat the family dog, or for snakes to slither their way into homes, perhaps looking for one of Florida's giant cockroaches. However, if you are a herpatologist, then Florida will be a dream come true. 
A 12 foot gator killed a 12 year old boy yesterday will swimming with friends. 6/18/03

5.HEAT AND HUMIDITY:Florida's tropical climate can be unbearable to the newcomer, especially on your electric bill due to running an air conditioner around the clock. Sunstrokes and sunburns are common, we promise that you will get one or the other, especially if you were not born here and climatized to our environment. We won't go into the humidity problem, which causes severe mold and fungus, ever try to clean an inch of mold from bathroom tiles? 

6.TORNADOES:Next to the Midwest, Florida is a tornado alley. Unfortunately, in Florida you cannot dig a storm celler due to the water table, you might survive a cyclone but would probably drown in your celler. [Also see snakes in #4 above] 

7.LIGHTENING:Florida is the lightening capital. Each year many are injured or killed by lightening bolts, usually tourists on open beaches. A single thunderstorm can produce up to 2000 lightening strikes. Don't forget your lightening rods! 

8.SINKHOLES:Another strange geological wonder of Florida is the sinkhole. They have swallowed entire houses in a matter of hours. In 1981, a huge sinkhole, 300 feet across and 100 feet deep, opened up in downtown Winter Park and gulped down a portion of a city block. There are only 2 cases on record of a person going down the tube, and one case of three cows that were devoured by a sinkhole. 

9.FLOODING:We won't even mention flooding, hey, what'd ya'll expect, this is Florida a land of a swamps, rivers, and lakes. Those rings on trees are what we Florida Crackers call water marks. High water brings many problems other than water damage, see snakes in #4 above. 

10.RED TIDE:This microbe menace threatens hundreds of miles of coastline and there is no way to predict an outbreak of Red Tide. It kills tons of marine life, including manatee. It contaminates coastal recreational areas and causes severe respiratory problems for coastal residents. The worst is that the toxins produced by Red Tide can become airborne and carried inland by the winds. Several outbreaks have been so serious that people have resorted to wearing gas masks. The air force, during one outbreak, was called in to fire bomb hundreds of square miles of the Gulf in an attempt to kill the Red Tide organisms. In 1964, one outbreak covered 14,000 square miles of the Gulf of Mexico. Red Tide is caused by a one celled organism called Gymnodinium breve, which produces a nerve toxin and mutiplies rapidly on the ocean bottom. 

THE BEST REASON FOR NOT MOVING TO FLORIDA, IS THAT THERE HAVE BEEN NO MASS MIGRATIONS OF NATIVE FLORIDIANS TO THE NORTHEAST AND THUS, HAVE NOT TAMPERED WITH YOUR WAY OF LIFE. THEN AGAIN, WHAT SELF-RESPECTING FLORIDA CRACKER, WOULD WANT TO LIVE NORTH OF THE MASON-DIXON LINE?---AFTER ALL THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE GRITS UP THERE!!


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## TopSnipe (Apr 24, 2002)

Yankee: comes south to visit and heads back north.

Damn Yankee: comes south and never leaves!!


.....Kurt (Damn Yankee  )


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## inawe (May 24, 2003)

sure you right [ i must be half floridian [ love to eat sharks & gators ] came down there to roof for 2 yrs after hurricane andrew best free blow job in the world so you might preciate some damn yankees every now & then


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## inawe (May 24, 2003)

*just a lil feedback*

nothing personal


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## FL FISHERMAN (Sep 30, 2002)

80% of the people that live in Fl are displaced northerners. Shoot I am one of those damn yankees too. Displaced from a small town called Hopewell junction, NY outside pikipski(i know it isn't spelled like that just spelling it like it sounds)If there were more "natural" floridians in power they wouldn't be tearing down the marshes and putting malls and subdevelopments in. Houses stacked so close you could look out you window and ask you neighbor if he had any grey poupon. Shoot I remember back in 89 when we moved to altamonte springs there were orange groves down the street, miles of em. Long gone, no more.. The nearest groves I have seen are in deltona. Sad But my heart lies in Fl. The sunshine state.


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## inawe (May 24, 2003)

the best part of my journey down there was SOUTH BEACH MIAMI man those women were gorgeous8(---)


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## Sewer Rat (Mar 30, 2003)

Are you sure they were wimmins?????


FL Fisherman - I know what you mean.... I grew up about far north in NY that you kin get without becoming a canadian citizen, had an uncle that owned land in Clermont... 7 yrs ago when I left NY, found a cracker in Clermont, and married her (guess that makes me a GD Yankee)... remember when Clermont was orange groves, now it is roof tops...


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## inawe (May 24, 2003)

*YEP*

im sure there bust were in th breeze


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## Flafisherman (Jul 7, 2003)

Fl Fisherman I did not steal or modify your user ID. Flafisherman is my CB handle from the early 70s so I use it about everywhere.

Now that , that is out of the way - 

Kozlow read your input and loved it. I was born and raised in Lakeland, Fl and I can relate to you said and the replies that followed. Been living north of Dallas, Tx for the past 20+ years (job relo) had to pay some bills. Wife and I were in Fl two weeks ago, east coast down to Miami, up to Canaveral area and over to Pensacola and I thought that Dallas was over built. We were looking at maybe moving back to Fl somewhere - but that is out of the equation for now. Everywhere I use to fish along the coast is basically closed do to money slobs buying everything up an closing it off to the general public.

This trip made me feel like a complete stranger in areas that I grew up in and had a hell of a good time years ago. So called locals in the Crystal river area did not know what swamp cabbage was but they claimed to be feeding cabbage palms to the manatees. Asked about gator tail in a Indian bingo casino in I believe was Davie and I thought the waitress was going to puke. Not to many Fl Crackers left these days, but I do have fun proving someone who claims being from Fl is not - then they get PO'd at me.

Found this site today and it is interesting. Will be visiting it on and off.

Ed


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## catman (May 28, 2001)

Flfisherman....Saw your handle and thought FLFISHERMAN was changing up a little. He's one of my fishing buds here in Maryland. Glad you found the forum and welcome aboard. Lots of good info here and the folks are terrific. If you ever get up our way give a shout and we'll introduce you to some fine Chesapeake Bay fishing. We're a pretty close knit group of guys and gals and probably the most active of any of the boards. Whenever you get a chance visit the Maryland/Delaware boards.

Catman.


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## Digger (Jan 4, 2000)

Just a note on Andrew in order to be classified a a Cat 5 Hurricane the instruments that measure must survive the storm. The Wind speed was Clocked at 217MPH(well above Cat 5) by a weather station on the Flight Tower of Homestead AFB but that was the last reading sent out as it and the Tower did not survive the storm.
As for the temps When I moved there in the summer of 77 it was Cooler in Homestead than it was in Hampton Va and the skeeters in Poquoson are bigger and Meaner.
I do agree with the Yankee and Dam Yankee Comment.


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## Beachbms (Jan 10, 2003)

I guess I am a Yankee too. Although I am from the northwest.......Alaska, Washington State and Idaho. I have lived in 7 or 8 different states, and every one of them thought, you were not anything if you were not a native. I do have a small problem with this kind of thinking , not just because I'm a traveler, but because if you don't have a influx of people your town, state or whatever gets stagnate. Without people you will not have growth. I had put off replying to this thread, but felt the need to speak my 2 cents. I do love Florida and will most likely spend the rest of my days here, even though I am a "yankee". No offense taken.


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## TopSnipe (Apr 24, 2002)

Shoot, we're all foreigners somewhere.


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## Cdog (Mar 18, 2002)

*Soooooo*

Since I was born in Fl but haven't lived there since I was 7, if I moved back would I be a [email protected] yankee or a Fl cracker?


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## FL FISHERMAN (Sep 30, 2002)

*No Problem FLAFisherman*

It is just a handle sorry to steal it from you. Just love that Fl fishing thats all. Welcome to the board! Post your results so you make us out of state floridians jealous.


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## Flafisherman (Jul 7, 2003)

Hey Fl Fisherman;
You did not steal a handle or anything else.

I am no longer living in Fl but in Lewisville, Tx north of Dallas about 6 sucking hrs from the nearest salt water Galveston, Tx. Do not get to go to the coast as much as I want do to the distance. There are a few good places to fish along the coast off of piers (mostly private but comes with lodging when you stay), bridges converted to fishing piers, wade and surf fishing but do not do to much of that.

I was in Fl just recently and fished around the Fort Pierce and Pensacola Bay areas. To make you jump for joy - Ft Pierce area caught zero, nadda, nothing to much fresh water. Had fun watching the Coast Guard fly through the no wake and Manatee Zone whenever an alarm went off around the nuke plant (at least that is what it seemed to be). But yet reguler boaters that pushed it a little to hard were pulled by the local enforcement bunch and Coast Guard. Pensacola - not much better to much fresh water and TS Bill was churning the Gulf up so I could not go out. Did fish from a bridge turned into a fishing pier and caught 7 pieces of fertilizer (hardheads) let them go to torment someone else.

Now to make your mouth water - When I did live there I did my share of fishing mostly on the Gulf coast. Englewood to the south and Tarpon Springs to the north. Trout, snook, jacks, tarpon, sharks, grouper, blues and just about anything else that swam through. Snorkled for scallops when they were in the Anclote Key area (Tarpon Springs) When I got bored we went down to Marathon in the keys during spiny lobster season. Dove for them, then speared grouper and various types of snapper.

Now I am making myself sick just reliving what I was able to do at one time but a lot of it is now controlled (various seasons) and I am for it. To much taking and waste by both recreational commerical fisherman etc. I can honestly say what I took then was enjoy and eaten as it is today when I have the chance to do it.

Wish I was fishing or snorkling or what, Ed


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